When it comes to women taking sex tips, they’re almost more likely to listen to the ‘experts’ at Cosmo Magazine than they are to listen to their own friends. The only problem with that is Cosmo seems to have gone and lost their minds because their tips are less ‘sexy’ these days and more ‘bat shit crazy.’
If you’re going hit up Cosmo during your singles sex search for ideas on how to spice up your love life, I’d advise against these.
#10. Treat Him Like An Atari Controller
You know when you’re giving your first hand job and you seem to be jerking it in all different directions? And how unsatisfied the look on your then-boyfriends face looked, despite the fact that he had been waiting 18 years just for someone to touch him there at all? Yah, it was that bad. But for whatever reason, Cosmo is suggesting that you do that again. They’re telling you to ‘treat his dick like an Atari joystick and move it all around.’ Please. Don’t do that.
#9. Pull His Pubes
I can’t believe that they’d suggest this: Cosmo is saying that guys love it when girls take their pubes between their teeth and pull. Not only is it a bad sensation, but the visual is enough to trigger our gag reflexes. There’s no need for two people to be gagging during oral sex.
#8. Jerk Him Off With Grapes
Cosmo wants you to hold grapes between your fingers while you’re giving a guy a hand job. First, how are you supposed to get a grip firm enough to be pleasurable without breaking the grapes? And second of all, who the hell would want to do that?!
#7. Shake His Nuts
“Take his testicles in the palm of your hand and shake them like you’re shaking dice.” No. No. Just no. Do not do this. That will feel like we’re on a bad train ride, not getting laid.
#6. Toss His Salad
If you don’t know what tossing the salad is, then you’re not missing out! Think about what you do when you go down on a female, except do it to the back door instead of the front. If he’s straight, he probably doesn’t want you poking around back there. Not to mention guys don’t have that many nerves around the opening of their rectum, so giving it a lick probably won’t do much for him anyways.
#5. Bite His Balls
Cosmo’s suggestion of taking the skin of his testicles and pinching them with your teeth is a boner killer, not a boner trigger.
#4. Do The Twist
“Make two fists around his dick and twist your hands in opposite directions as fast as you can.” Then immediately call 911, because that will hurt.
#3. Rub Ice On His Penis During Oral Sex
Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld when George gets caught without his pants on and it causes a woman to laugh? And he blames it on the fact that it was cold? I doubt it was ICE cold, so imagine what it would be like if you did freeze his member. Damn.
#2. Find His G-Spot
Do you know where a male G-Spot is? In his back door. Which is coincidently the #1 place straight men don’t want you to go. If you have a sexually adventurous boy toy, then you’re in luck, and you can go for it. But if you’re sleeping with a majority of men in America, you’re not going to want to sneak anything in there.
#1. Put A Donut Around His Dick And Slowly Eat It Before You Give Him A Blow Job
Which part about this is hot? The visual of a donut on a dick? You eating the dick? Getting a dry blow job because you used all your saliva eating dry pastries? The extra yeast you’re ingesting? Besides Fat Bastard, no man will want you to do this to him. Please advise.
So there you have it! If you’re thinking about being adventurous and doing something outside the box, trust me, you don’t want to try these.
