What do Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer and Chord Overstreet have in common? They’re all multi-millionaires, multi-talented, and are all ex-boyfriends of America’s Sweetheart Taylor Swift. For someone who is constantly touring the world, recording new albums, making movies, guest staring in TV shows and creating her own clothing line, I don’t know how she even has time to date. But she does, and she does it well.
I’m sure all single ladies would love to have a dating record like hers. A pop superstar, an academy award nominee, a star of the biggest movie franchise in the past decade, and one of this generations only truly good musicians? Sign me up for ANY of those!
But I don’t understand how she does what she does. Once you get past the beautiful curly blonde hair, all you have left is an awkward teenager who is a little Rene Zellweger-esq in the eye department and can’t sing that well. But it looks like these things work for her!
This is how I assume Taylor Swift managed to get the dating life she has.
Gain a holier-than-thou image regardless of how many people you have slept around with. Apparently guys will look past the fact that you’ve slept with half of Hollywood (or wherever you live) if you keep a halo above your head. You can find one at any Halloween shop or dollar store. I know Taylor doesn’t literally have one, but she’s famous she doesn’t need one. You probably do.
Get praise for what you do, even if you don’t do it that well. If Miss. Swift has taught me anything it’s that when have a job, guys won’t care if you’re good at it, as long as you have one. And as long as you’re hot. That’s why it’s okay for her to sing so poorly, right? Right…?
Be super surprised anytime you get anything, even if you knew you were getting it. Oh my gosh, a Christmas present?! Oh my gosh, butter for my toast?! Oh my gosh, the mail?!?! Taylor Swift has a surprised face to the extreme for every occasion. Maybe it’s because guys can imagine doing something with the O she makes with her mouth? Whatever the reason, based solely on her popularity, I can only assume that people love seeing other people be surprised.
Never stop publicly complaining about your ex boyfriends. 17 songs. That’s how many Taylor has admitted to being about ex-boyfriends. I guess when people say you shouldn’t talk about your ex’s, they’re completely wrong. Talk about them at every chance you get!
Have someone steal your award; get pity. Before Kanye took her VMA, she was just your average 18 year old millionaire superstar. After Kanye took her VMA, every guy in the world was talking about how hot she looked at the awards show. So now all you have to do is get nominated for something, win that something, and have someone steal it from you.
Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you and Ima let you finish, but my confusion about why you get such great men is the biggest confusion of all time. Of ALL time!